Monday, February 20, 2012

The Challenge... the first is always longest...

Most of us have seen 40-Year Old Virgin, right? A horribly awkward movie about a man who forgot to grow up, take care of himself, pursue his dreams, and lose his virginity as the result. Funny movie, gross movie, uncomfortable movie, but when you think about it, it's a movie that teaches us three things:

1- If you lose track of your life - both private and social - and the role you play in it, ending up like "Andy" really isn't that difficult.

2- If you are a 40 year old virgin in today's society, it's most likely because you elected that lifestyle, or it's because... how to put this nicely... something else is preventing you from losing it.

3- Let's face it: 40-year-old virgins just don't exist out there these days outside of #1 and #2.

I'm sure I'll get some junk mail from all kinds of people saying, "Yes they do! Here I am!" but then again, if they do exist, maybe it's a good thing that they're bold enough to come right out and say it. Either way, though, that's not my point. This is: about a month ago I went to a party.

I honestly don't remember how we got on the subject, but at said party I was talking with my then co-worker, Becca, and her long-time boyfriend, Vance (HA! Remembered his name!). I think I was telling them about how work had gone that day since that's what co-workers do at a work-funded holiday party, and somehow it came up that I'm still a virgin. "How can you rant and rave about 40-year-old virgins when you are a virgin yourself?" you might be asking yourself. Well for starters, I'm not nearly 40 - I'm 26 - and this is my point: I wager that in today society, 26-year-old virgins are every bit as rare as their 40-year-old counterparts.

Well Becca was already aware of this little fact - a fact which stopped her dead in her tracks, mind you, when she first learned of it - but Vance, on the other hand, was a cornucopia of shock, awe, intrigue, and cynicism. He simply couldn't wrap his head around the idea of it, and honestly it was very flattering.

I'm not bragging here, but here's the breakdown: Vance, Becca, and I determined that I'm not by any means an ugly young man - in fact quite the opposite; I am not socially inept in any form of the word; though strongly opinionated and passionate about those beliefs, said beliefs are not so outlandish that they cannot be easily met; and finally we concluded that our society has de-evolved to the point where if I walked around on the side of the road with a sign draped over my shoulders saying, 'I am a virgin,' a wandering limo filled with drunk co-eds would no-doubt stop within an hour to de-flower me simply because virginity is a highly-prized possession (whether it's more highly prized by the virgin or the one de-flowerer is a debate we couldn't agree upon).

The truth of the matter is I'm a virgin by choice. It used to be a religious thing - I won't lie to you - but I've long-since given up on religious zealotry, and now I just believe that so few things are personal and intimate between a man and his wife. If you're going to share one thing with your spouse that belongs solely to you and her, why wouldn't you want that to be sex? So yes, I am waiting until marriage, and yes, that means she must have a ring on her finger, and "I do" must have been said in front of witnesses. Just wanted to clarify.

And now that you've diligently sat through - nay, endured - the back story, we come to the purpose of this blog: THE CHALLENGE. Austin, TX is a beautiful city filled to the brim with beautiful women both young and old. Who could argue that point? I've recently accepted a position in an even more beautiful area, though. Some (myself included) might call it the most beautiful place on earth. That's right, I'm moving to Maui. As in Hawaii. As in the favorite vacation spot for most of the world's beach-bound bunnies and bastards. No one says, "I'm going to Hawaii," and doesn't hear from almost everyone, "I'm jealous." I heard it close to 40 times yesterday alone.

But I digress. Being the beautiful place it is, and being that this beautiful place is overflowing with beautiful women both young and old, Becca didn't seem to think I and my unwavering resolve would last a day let alone a week, and back at the work party, Vance encouraged me to start a blog chronicling my daring adventures in the virgin realm. Thus a blog with purpose was born. Aww...

So from this point on, I will do exactly that: I will chronicle my many adventures in the Hawaiian paradise. I will have stories to tell, pictures to post, God help me I will have video to stream, and since Hawaii is where I plan to be for a very long time, hopefully I will find that amazing woman who will live up to those not-so-high standards, and maybe she'll have a few things to say herself! Guess we'll see.

But my dearest Becca and oh-so-adorable Vance, I have but one thing to say to you both, and I believe Barney Stinson said it best: Challenge Accepted.

In Next Week's Episode: I'll detail those seemingly impossible high standards I have in my future spouse, and then I'll flush them all down the drain.


  1. Sam we love it! I read it out loud and Vance and I laughed and talked about how talented you are as a writer! I look forward to checking this out as you follow your new journey to Hawaii!

    1. Good! Look forward to weekly episodes - every Sunday night - and feel free to pose questions and new challenges. (:

  2. Makes sense. You can only get rid of it once, and most of the general population's experience in that particular rite are underwhelming, at best. Might as well hang onto it until you're fully ready to let it go.

    1. "Ready to let it go" is the tricky part, though.
      I'm OH-SO-ready to say farewell to it.
      I won't just say farewell for anyone, though, ya know?
      Thus the blog.
      Many will come, many will go, and hopefully along the way, I'll find that destined one.
      Up until then, though, it's an adventure!
      You should tune in every week, my friend.
      Eventually I have plans of setting up a prize pool where people can place bets on whether or not the relationship will work out, how certain events will play out, etc, etc.

      More followers means more fun and more to follow! (:

  3. I'll follow--as long as I don't have to bet against your chastity. : )

    1. You can bet or not bet on whatever is up at the bookie.
      I'll leave that choice to you. ;)